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Title: Child and Adolescent Anger: Ways That You Can Help Right Now
Author: William G. DeFoore, Ph.D.
Article:
<b>What do we do about the violent adolescents?</b> Good
question. Here are some possible answers. Angry children need
love. The older and angrier they get, the harder they are to
love, and the more frightening they can become. If you have an
angry teenager in your home, extended family, your child's
school or your community, here are some ideas that may help:
· Do everything in your power to get to know them. · Find out
what they like to do and do it with them. That's a stretch in
some cases, but do the best you can. They will notice the
effort. Stay true to yourself--if they see you trying to become
like them, they'll lose respect for you.
· Ask them to tell you about the things they're interested in.
You may have to prove that you're really interested before they
will open up, but if you're sincere and persistent, they will
start talking.
· Be a steady, loving presence in their life. You may have to
forego some of your other activities, but if you have an
adolescent who is possibly moving toward violence or suicide,
it's worth it.
· Get in touch with your own healthy anger, so that you have the
personal power and confidence to deal with the energy of
adolescent anger.
· Work to master humor and love. Find as many ways as possible
to have fun with the adolescent and show your love. Make sure
that you are pursuing the relationship for them, and not to
fulfill some unmet needs from your own past.
· Consult with other adults and parents who are good with
teenagers. Watch how they interact with kids and learn from
their example.
· Pray. You're going to need all the help you can get, and you
need to know you are not alone in your mission to bring love to
this unhappy child.
<b>EMBRACING THE OUTCASTS AND MISFITS</b>
This is simply impossible if you have outcasts and misfits in
your own subconscious body/mind. So the first order of business
here is to make sure you have found, embraced and made a place
for the children within you that you or others may have found
that represent remnants of memories that you have yet to
resolve. These are the inner children that symbolize your pain,
shame and self-doubt.
Rest assured that the outcast child that you approach in the
outer world will not accept your embrace if they see unresolved
fear and anger in your eyes or actions.
Since we know that the outcasts and misfits are the children
most likely to become violent, it only follows that we must pull
them into the arms of love and/or acceptance, and find a place
where they fit. If our system doesn't have a place where a child
fits, there's something wrong with the system, not the child.
Look around you in your family and your community. Do you see
the outcasts and misfits? The ones that seem to have no friends,
or who only hang out with others like them? Look for the ones
that don't act "right," are too this or too that or not enough
of the other. Especially look for the ones that are not talking
about their feelings, and seem to carry a lot of depression
and/or anger.
Genius often hides in such places. If you are wise, healthy and
dedicated enough to win an inroad to the heart and mind of one
of these "personas non grata," you may discover a hidden
treasure. The movie "Good Will Hunting" depicts such a case,
where an angry, violent misfit is also a gifted genius. The
older movie "The Breakfast Club" also shows us the beauty in the
shadow of the misfit.
Kindness and compassion will sometimes be greeted with doubt,
fear and even anger at first. If you really mean it, and have
the courage to do so, you can penetrate that outer shell and
touch the tender heart within. You may be saving someone's life.
Consider the outcasts and misfits in your world to be unexplored
territories of your own soul, undiscovered treasures waiting for
you. The rewards will be as great for you as for those you help.
When we look deep enough into any living being, we find the face
of God.
Teach this to your children, like Max did in the following
example.
Max had come to me for almost four years, to heal from a very
painful childhood, and to learn to manage his anger toward his
wife. He was making excellent progress, and was tapering off in
his sessions.
Max's son Derek was six years old, and the apple of his dad's
eye. Max was determined to give Derek the healthy guidance, love
and positive role modeling he had never received as a child.
Smiling ear to ear, Max told me of some of his recent successes
with his wife and son. "I have always been afraid I would end up
homeless and living under a bridge. So, I decided to confront
this fear a little more directly. After church Sunday, Derek and
I took about 40 hamburgers to the homeless people living under
the overpass downtown. Derek loved it! Now he wants to feed all
of the homeless people in the city. Those people were so
grateful."
Max was quiet for a moment, as he wiped his eyes and regained
his composure. He had given a great gift to some outcasts and
misfits, to his son, and to himself.
<b>METHODS FOR HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH THEIR ANGER</b>
· <b>What to say</b>--When your child is in the middle of
expressing anger, your verbal response is extremely important.
Though it remains true that your non-verbal signals will speak
more loudly than your words, we must not underestimate the power
of the spoken word, particularly during intense emotional
experiences.
o For a very young child, or if the anger is being expressed
mostly in non-verbal ways, say something to the effect of, "Wow!
I can see that you are really angry right now. I'm sure you have
good reasons to be angry. Your anger seems really strong to me.
I want you to know that it's okay with me for you to be angry,
and I want to help you deal with it so that nobody gets
hurt--including you." In these and other words, communicate the
idea that "There's nothing wrong with feeling anger, the
important thing is what you do with it."
o Practice reflective listening. Repeat back to the child what
you hear her saying in a non-judgmental, soothing tone. This
provides a comforting effect, and lets the child know she's
being heard. Start with phrases like, "So what I hear you saying
is..." or "So you're saying..." Stick with their words and
references, using as little interpretation and as few of your
own words as possible.
o Express empathy and understanding. This is simply a matter of
imagining yourself in the child's position, and attempting to
see things from his viewpoint. Use phrases like, "When I put
myself in your shoes, I can see why you would feel that way," or
"From where you stand, it looks like..." or "I think I see what
you mean" or "That makes sense to me."
o Avoid teaching, correcting or instructing while your child is
angry. Only when the child starts to calm down and relax, you
may want to share some of your own similar struggles or
experiences. The goal is to help them deal with and understand
their anger. Discipline needs to be kept separate from this kind
of communication, and administered when both you and the child
are calm. That way the child gets the clear message that it is
not their emotion that is being disciplined, it is their
behavior.
· <b>What to do</b>--If your child is small enough, you might
want to try holding her during her anger episode. This has been
found to be highly effective in many cases. It provides loving,
powerful and safe boundaries when the child is feeling out of
control. The non-verbal message is, "I'm here. I'm not going to
leave you. I'm not going to hurt you, and I won't let you hurt
yourself or anyone else. I'm going to hold you until you feel
safe again." Here are some recommendations to make this
procedure safe and successful:
o If you are extremely afraid or angry yourself, do not try this
technique. Your emotions will feed the anger and fear of your
child and make the situation worse.
o If you feel comfortable doing so, hold the child from behind,
ideally with him sitting in your lap. Protect your face in case
he tosses his head back toward you. The goal is for no one to
get hurt.
o There needs to be both love and power in your embrace. Strong
but not too strong, relaxed but not too relaxed. This lets the
child know you are in charge, that you love her and can and will
protect her.
o Be ready and willing to devote some time to this. If you don't
complete the process, you may do more harm than good. Hold the
child, and wait until he calms down and relaxes. Often he might
cry or even fall asleep as the anger subsides.
Through this gesture you are communicating love, acceptance,
safety, protection and power all at the same time.
· <b>What to have the child do</b>--In some cases, the child may
need to release anger physically. This can be accomplished in a
number of ways:
o Supervised play with toys, or play therapy in a professional
setting, can be very effective in helping children release
anger. The violence that occurs between the toy characters is
non-destructive, and can be very informative to the therapist
and/or the parent who is observing. This can also include
drawing pictures, or throwing clay against a wall or board where
no harm can be done.
o Hitting pillows or a mattress with a harmless object such as a
nerf bat or bataca bat. This can be done in a playful manner,
and the child will still receive benefit. In therapy, I often
call it "the anger game,, so that children feel safe in
approaching the activity.
o Children may sometimes benefit from the "temper tantrum
technique." Parents should use their own judgment as to when it
is necessary to contract for the services of a professional for
this type of exercise.
o One of the best parents I know told me that he had his
daughters use the "Name it, claim it, aim it" technique for
dealing with anger. In other words he taught them to put a name
on their feeling, take responsibility for it, and direct it into
some kind of release or constructive activity. An example might
go something like, "I'm angry and sad, Daddy," (naming and
claiming it) "and I want you to help me talk to Bobby about
taking my things" (aiming it). This is an excellent approach,
and I highly recommend that parents use this and any other
guidelines they run across that help them to teach their
children to manage and express their emotions in healthy ways.
About the author:
<a href="http://defoore.com/drdefoore.htm"> William G. DeFoore
</a> is a counselor, executive coach, author and speaker. He has
34 years of experience in helping people achieve healthy, happy
relationships. Get free information, watch videos and purchase
books, CDs and downloads at <a
href="http://defoore.com">www.Goodfinding.com </a>. Contact Dr.
DeFoore at <a href="mailto:ippd4@aol.com">ippd4@aol.com</a>.
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